


The Admiral's Arms.

by Ill_write_it, Iron_Mage



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Cutting, Drug Addiction, Gay Sex, Hospital, M/M, Nurse!Meg, Paramedic!Castiel, Past Drug Addiction, Self Harm, Sober Companion!Dean, abuse recovery, domestic abuse, drug addict, self hatred, sober companion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-08-24 05:38:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8359327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ill_write_it/pseuds/Ill_write_it, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iron_Mage/pseuds/Iron_Mage
Summary: "Charlie convinces her brother, Dean, to go on a date with Benny... Less than a month later Dean's life is changed forever."Prompt from Hidden By The Trench Coat's Halloween Challenge.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [TaymeeLove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaymeeLove/pseuds/TaymeeLove) in the [HTCHalloweenChallenge2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HTCHalloweenChallenge2016) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
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> Charlie convinces her brother, Dean, to go on a date with Benny... Less than a month later Dean's life is changed forever.
> 
> ((There is no sexy-times or any kind of relations between Dean and Benny, Benny just uses Dean.))

There was blood. This time there was blood. There hadn't been blood before. Dean ran the wash cloth gently over his bruised skin.  
"Dean!" Benny called out hazily from the kitchen, "baby, I made you breakfast." He came into the bathroom. Dean flinched dropping his t-shirt to hide the marks. Benny engulfed him in a bear hug and he thought he might vomit from pain.  
"Hey, Baby, what you in here for? Come on, I made breakfast." The gentle southern drawl relaxed him enough to accept the pain and follow his boyfriend back into the kitchen.   
"Here," Benny handed him a plate. Dean wanted to eat it, he did... but he just felt so sick. He'd puked blood less than an hour ago. He stared at the food, fork poised. Benny's face began to darken with anger.  
"Thanks Babe, " Dean said, tucking in with falsified relish.  
"I really banged you up good didn't I." Benny said in reference to the prominent bruise Dean was sporting. A hideous black eye, no wonder Benny had chosen to kick him last night. Couldn't stand to look at his ugly mug. Benny traced his fingers over the back of Dean's neck and pulled him in for a gentle kiss on his still healing split lip - he wouldn't be leaving the house for a while, that's for sure. He looked like he'd gotten on the bad side of the motorcycle club. People would point, speculate.  
"I'm going to head to work Babe,"  
"Okay," Dean replied meekly, feelings of nausea washed over him. He wouldn't puke in front of Benny. He was already pathetic, he didn't need to upset Benny further.  
The sound of the door locking was Dean's cue to dive into the bathroom, it wouldn't do to have vomited on the kitchen floor, he could clean it up; but Benny always knew.  
His phone vibrated violently on the side, it made him jump. A FaceTime request from Charlie, the only friend Benny had allowed him to continue to see. Only because she was the one who had introduced them in the first place. He couldn't answer, no one could know what a failure he was. He crawled into the corner of the bathroom and curled into a foetal position, and that was when he began to cry.   
It was his fault, really. It was. He was the one who didn't come. Couldn't get hard for his boyfriend. Benny had reacted how any person would when faced with that kind of insult. On top of burning the sausages - Benny wasn't made of money! Not to mention, that same fucking day, being fifteen minutes late from the grocery store, with bruises like that he had to go and be back quickly, he promised he wouldn't tell anyone but Benny didn't believe him.   
Benny had kissed him gently that night, he was being so soft. He carried Dean into the bed. Carried him! Dean felt treasured. He laid him back and then he had fucked him. Benny knew Dean didn't need prep, didn't deserve lube; he was a hungry little cock slut, a hole waiting to be filled. Benny told him that as he fucked him dry. It had hurt, not that Dean didn't deserve it, but it had hurt. He had to bite down on the pillow to stop himself from screaming, Benny didn't like screaming. But his body wouldn't respond, it was too painful for him to take any pleasure, and he deserved it - he did. But it didn't mean he could force himself to hardness, he should be able to.   
He whimpered into his hands and rocked on the bathroom floor, he should be better for Benny. He had to be better for Benny.  
So when he didn't come Benny had flipped him over. He hadn't asked him if he needed help because he knew what Dean needed. He just threw him onto the ground and kicked him, and kicked him again. Benny knew what Dean deserved. Benny always knew, even if Dean didn't know himself. Benny was always right. Dean hugged his knees to his chest.   
Last night he had tried to defend himself, that's where he had gone wrong. Curled into a ball on the bedroom floor. That's why Benny put his shoes on. His motorbike boots that he kept in the cupboard, the ones with the steel toes. He'd never kicked Dean with them before, Dean must've done something really wrong, "don't hide from me boy." He had said, Dean tried to obey but when he moved he coughed blood. Benny kicked him three times, hard. Each time telling Dean how his dick was broken, how rude he'd been. Then he made him kiss his boots. Dean had slept on the floor of the bathroom. He didn't want to vomit blood on the carpet, he didn't deserve to sleep in the bed.   
Dean got back up off the floor to puke again, there was so much blood. Maybe he needed to go to hospital, what did it matter... Benny would take him if he thought he deserved the pain killers.   
Benny had got him pain killers once. He threw them down the drain when Dean didn't finish the washing up. He bought them the day before. That was the first time he hit him. Dean almost walked out.   
They were having a fight, they'd been dating one month and Benny saw him talking to another guy, Benny's neighbour. Benny confronted him, asked him if he was cheating, then he'd slapped him and told him not to lie. Dean almost left, he almost did it. But Benny apologised, he held Dean in his arms. He rocked him back and forth and then they made love. Dean couldn't leave, not when he'd deserved it. He told Benny as much in the morning. But he didn't understand, he thought Dean was admitting to cheating, he punched him in the chest. Dean explained himself through the tears. Benny gave him painkillers. He moved in soon afterwards because Benny didn't like the idea of him being home alone. Dean didn't talk to Benny's neighbour again.  
Dean doesn't talk to anyone anymore.   
Dean coughed again, a wet cough. And spat more blood into the toilet. He felt sick. He felt dizzy. There was a knock at the window. Benny? He looked up in fear, Dean was so ugly, Benny couldn't see him like this. It wasn't Benny. He passed out.


	2. Chapter 2

He was laying on something soft, voices talking in the distance. They became clearer as he came to.  
"I- I don't know." A man, his deep voice making Dean feel safe. But it wasn't Benny.   
"How did you find him again?"  
"I was on my morning run. I heard this awful noise, someone vomiting and coughing and... anyway, I looked in the window, he was barely conscious. There was no car in the drive. He dropped off the toilet bowl and his eyes were closed so I broke the window and... called the ambulance. I mean, I'm a paramedic. Blood in vomit." The voice was soothing, Dean opened his eyes. The running man had dark hair, messy. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt advertising some marathon.  
"Hello sweetie." A female voice, the sound of a clipboard on a table.  
"Where's Benny?" Dean croaked, trying to sit up. The man looked pained as he headed over to support Dean. It was nice, his touch was so gentle.  
"I thought as much." Running man looked disgusted.   
They know what a failure I am, Dean thought. They know I'm no good. His eyes fell to the ground.  
"Sweetie, do you want to tell me what happened?" The nurse asked, checking his IV. Was he in a hospital, he looked around, panicking. "It's alright, you're safe here."   
The man's focus was back on Dean, he looked at him with a pained expression. Pity. Dean couldn't hold his gaze, he didn't deserve pity.  
"I walked into a door." He grunted.  
"Bullshit." The man replied.   
The nurse shot him a warning look.   
"Could you tell me the name of this door so we can keep you safe from doors?" She tried to use his metaphor.  
"I'm fine." He growled. The running man rolled his eyes.   
"You were vomiting blood. You've broken four of your ribs. Your cheekbone is shattered." He started listing. The nurse silenced him with a stare.  
"Sweetie, you don't get these kind of injuries from walking into doors," Dean tried to spout another excuse, "or lampposts, or falling over pavements." The running man added.   
"I was hit by a car." Dean said sarcastically.  
"And who was driving the car?" The nurse asked. "And why didn't you come to hospital immediately?"  
Dean didn't look up.  
"Who was driving the car?" The nurse asked her hand on his arm, he shrugged it away.   
"I'm going to get the domestic abuse councillors." He started and then winced in pain. Running man looked worried. "Okay sweetie." She said, heading out of the room.  
"You should have left me." Dean said as the silence became unbearable.  
"You would have died." Running man said simply.  
"I would have deserved it." Dean said sharply. Running man didn't respond, realisation bloomed across his features.   
"Did you do this to yourself?" He said quietly, his hand running over the sleeves of his shirt.   
"No, but I brought it on myself."  
"Did 'Benny' do this?" He asked, sitting down on the side of the bed. "They can keep you safe, they have protection schemes. You don't ever have to go back." He said quietly.  
Dean looked away. The door was thrown open.  
"Sir, you can't be in here."   
"Dean!" A familiar voice cried. Dean shrunk into his hospital bed. "Who the fuck are you?" He said angrily at running man.  
"I'm the person who saved Dean's life." Running man retorted, unhappy at Benny's arrival. Benny frowned, considering his response.  
"Thank you brother," he pulled running man into a hug. Running man froze. Dean was shaking with fear.  
"Baby," Benny turned to Dean, he knew he was in for it later, Benny knew Dean didn't deserve to be here. He sat on the side of the bed, far bigger than running man, and held Dean's hand with tenderness Dean didn't recognise.   
"Hey Benny," Dean choked out.  
"Why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling well? I would have driven you straight here!" Benny lied, running man didn't seem convinced. "I'm not going to leave your side, don't you worry."  
"I've brought the-" the nurse paused, Dean read her name tag, Meg. "Is this your boyfriend Dean?"  
Benny's face clouded with worry,  
"Who are these people Dean?"  
"They're here to see Dean's injuries and check he's recovering." Running man saved him. Running man was lying.  
"Yes," Meg said nervously, "if you don't mind stepping out of the room."  
"I'm not leaving Dean here! Don't you want me by your side Baby?" Benny rubbed circles in his hand. It wasn't a question. Dean nodded weakly, seeking forgiveness in Benny's eyes for being so disgusting last night. There was none.  
"I'm afraid you have to leave." Running man interrupted,  
"Listen, Brother, its real nice of you to bring my boyfriend in, but it's none of your business to be telling me what to and what not be doing so if you don't mind-"  
"Actually, you do have to leave so that we can ask you some questions about Dean." One of the councillors chipped in, Meg nodded.  
"Alright then, anything for my poorly Baby." He kissed Dean on the forehead and smiled at him, Dean smiled back nervously. The huge man made his way out of the room with one of the councillors.   
"Dean, right?" The remaining councillor sat on the chair, running man leaned against the door. Dean nodded.  
"So, uh, your injuries and the condition and situation you were found in heavily suggest domestic violence."  
Dean gulped, he had deserved it... he knew it was wrong, but he had deserved it. They didn't understand. He kept his head still. Running man was watching him.  
"Did Benny do this to you?" The woman asked, her hand resting on her knee. Dean shook his head. No, no! Benny can't get in trouble, he'd kill Dean. Dean would deserve it.  
"Okay," she said simply. "Would you like to be put in protection?" Dean paused, what did that even mean? Running man looked hopeful. Dean shook his head, no: he deserved it. He deserved it all. Running man sighed in disappointment. The woman left, giving up and moving onto a more important case. Running man sat on his bed again. His eyes were so blue, Dean got lost in them for a moment.  
"You know, it's not your fault he hurts you." He said, Dean looked away; yes it was, this stranger had no idea what he was talking about. He was lucky to have someone as wonderful as Benny take him in.


	3. Chapter 3

When they got home there was hell to pay and he knew it. Yet Benny insisted on treading on eggshells; setting Dean up on the sofa, holding him gently while they watched movies, kissing him so softly, he made him soup to eat, helped him to the bathroom and he even kept his pain medication for him: going as far as to deliver it to him on the hour. Dean woke up the next morning with his wonderful grizzly bear snuggling him on the duvet. The doorbell rung. Dean crawled out of bed and headed over, Benny had done so much for him - he could get the door this morning.  
It was running man. He looked at Dean, nodded and then left. Dean realised that he was only wearing boxers and crawled back into bed.  
"Where you been?" Benny sounded even more southern in the mornings.  
"Bathroom, sorry for waking you." Dean snuggled in.  
"S'okay Baby." Benny kissed his head. Dean wondered why he had lied.  
Running man stopped by every day, peaking though open curtains at Dean, or knocking on the door. He even caught Dean in the bathroom one time, they'd both blushed like teenagers.  
Benny was being so kind to him, Dean felt so treasured. But he knew the euphoria wouldn't last. So when he bruises had almost healed less than a week later he wasn't surprised when Benny slapped him.   
"You filthy little slut." He spat, Dean cowered, putting down the vegetables he'd just got out from the fridge. "Filthy little whore." Benny slapped him again. Dean knew better than to shield himself but that didn't stop the tears from finding their way down his cheeks.  
"Think I wouldn't notice?" Benny taunted. "Been so good to you Dean, I tried so hard." Dean nodded, Benny had been good to him; he'd prepped him when they had sex; even the fissures hadn't hurt too badly when Benny took him last night. He always held him so gently. "Think I wouldn't fucking notice!?" Dean shook his head, whatever he'd done it was best if he just admitted to it.  
"You're just been trying so fucking hard to piss me off." Benny poked him in the ribs. Dean cried out in pain.   
"Taunting me, threatening me with those eyes. Like you'd ever tell." Dean shook his head;  
"I'd never tell!" He said, wrong thing to say. Benny slapped him again.  
"You're lucky I'm going easy on your pathetic ass... there's a good idea! Bend over the cabinet, slut." Benny disappeared into the back room.  
Dean was shaking, it hurt so much when Benny poked him. Everything hurt so much. He grabbed a painkiller from his tub and swallowed it dry, the guilt was unbearable. He leant himself over the kitchen counter as Benny had asked.  
He heard the footsteps indicating Benny's return. Dean's stomach dropped in dread. Benny pulled Dean's pants down. Then his boxers.   
Dean heard it before he felt it, something whistling though the air. It was a shoe. It hit his left butt cheek. It went on forever, there was nothing sexy about it. He could feel the blood dripping down his legs. Benny was so strong.   
"You don't deserve this but I don't want you shitting blood." Benny said as he roughly shoved a lubed finger into Dean's hole. He cried out and Benny hit him again with the shoe, this time on his upper thigh. Dean jumped with pain and Benny did the other side. He fucked him roughly.  
"Know your place now, slut?" Dean realised he was crying. He couldn't speak. He was so frightened. Benny wasn't expecting an answer.  
Dean was hard at least, he tried to think of better times, he came with a grunt as Benny finished inside him.   
"Enjoy that slut?" Benny asked, running his finger through Dean's come and then holding it up to Dean's mouth, Dean sucked his finger.   
"I always love it when you fuck me." He replied, trying to be convincing. He wanted to vomit again.  
"Of course you do," Benny headed off to shower and Dean slumped against the marble. The doorbell rung. Dean winced as he pulled up his pants.  
"You've been crying." Running man said, the first thing he said in all this time.  
"Please, don't come back. He'll hurt you to" Dean said quietly, barely bothering to hide his difficulty walking as he closed the door, hoping that would scare the man - he'd come to know as his friend - enough not to come back.   
He was wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

There was more knocking at his door, it wouldn't stop.  
"Mr. Winchester. Dean Winchester. Would you open the door?" They sounded unfamiliar, professional.   
Dean curled into a ball, no he would not.   
"Dean, can you at least confirm you're okay." Dean was shaking, the stab wound was making the carpet so dirty. It's his own fucking fault. If he'd just closed the curtains... that stupid man wouldn't have seen Benny do it. Then he could die in peace.   
"Dean, let us in." It was running man. Why was he here? He hadn't even seen it happen. Although he was about scheduled to come by. Dean curled further in on himself ignoring the pain.   
The door made a no protest as running man kicked it down. "Dean," he made his way over to Dean and pulled his arm away from his stomach, Dean yowled. Running man stopped to scan his expression.  
"I think my arm is broken." Dean admitted, whispering. Running man just nodded.  
"It's okay, we've got you now. It's all okay." He comforted Dean as he applied pressure to the wound, He held the fragile man in his arms while the ambulance men prepared a stretcher. 

"Dean?" Running man was sitting by his bed, he looked tired. His black hair was messy and there were bags under his eyes. He was holding Dean's hand. Dean shied from the contact and took in his surroundings.  
"Where are we?" He croaked, blinking in the bright light.   
"Hospital." The blue eyed man replied, running his hand over his face in an effort to look more awake. "You've been asleep for a few hours. They didn't have to operate, but you have got some stitches." He gestured to Dean's abdomen. "How are you feeling?"   
"What's it to you." Dean said rudely, trying to pull himself up into a sitting position.   
"I'm the one who saved your sorry ass, show me some gratitude." The man said harshly. Dean winced.   
"Sorry," He said, barely a whisper. The monitor was beeping obnoxiously. Running man saw Dean flinch and immediately dropped his facade.  
"I shouldn't have shouted."  
Dean was surprised, no one had ever apologised to him like that.   
"The uh, councillors are coming later. I don't know if you want to-"  
"No." Dean interrupted.   
"Okay," running man said without argument.  
"I don't even know your name."   
"Castiel."   
"Gees!" Dean looked shocked, "That's a mouthful."   
Castiel chuckled.   
"Hey there Dean," Meg, the same nurse as last time came in, "Castiel," She nodded in his direction. "No sign of Benny, but the cops have a warrant to search the house for evidence of the stabbing. There's a form you need to sign," She handed Dean a slip of paper.   
'Spousal Battery." Dean let it slip out of his hand, watching with horror as it floated to the floor.   
"I think Dean might need a little time, Meg." Castiel said, swiftly retrieving the form and placing it face down on the side. Dean sighed with relief and then nodded. He was going to need a lot of time.


	5. Companion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I finally managed to update this.  
> Sorry if I kept anyone waiting... oops!

"You can leave now." Dean said grumpily as Castiel stopped outside of his house. Turns out the blue eyed man didn't run everywhere, he actually owned a car. And an ugly car at that. Dean thought back to the impala - Benny hadn't let him drive it in months.   
"Are you sure you want to go back in?" Castiel apprehensions were rubbing off on him. Did he want to go back in? What if Benny came home and he wasn't there?  
"Yeah." Dean lied.  
"If you're sure." Castiel said sceptically. Pulling the bag Dean had brought with him from hospital from the back seat and walking over to open the passenger door.  
"I could've got it myself." Dena growled, slamming it behind him with his uninjured arm. Castiel just raised an eyebrow and headed over to the doorstep.  
"Oh gees." He said, stepping inside. "Dean, you can't stay here!"  
"Don't tell me what to do." Dean said, walking into the doorless house and past the patch of dried blood into the glass covered kitchen.  
"Dean! It's a mess. You've only got one working arm. You're on bed rest! For Petes sake."  
"I'm fine." He said through gritted teeth. Throwing the off food from the fridge into the bin and retrieving a dustpan and brush.  
"You're not fine!" Castiel whined like a petulant child. "You're injured! You need someone to take care of you!" Castiel was hovering awkwardly in the kitchen, reluctant to set Dean's bag down on the glass covered surfaces.  
Dean didn't answer, he aggressively began to clear glass. He inhaled suddenly as a large shard cut his hand.  
"Now look what you've done." Castiel complained, Dean winced. Castiel pulled him up off the ground and brushed the glass from his knees. "Where are the band aids?" He said, rifling through a couple of cupboards.   
Dean didn't reply, he was staring at his hand and leaning on the counter.   
"Dean?" Castiel questioned.   
"Top shelf, third cupboard from the right."   
"Okay." Castiel returned to his side, his warm hands cupping Dean's own. "If you're too stubborn to stay in hospital you can at least stay with me." Dean went to object but Castiel silenced him with a look. He knew that look, it meant he wasn't supposed to argue, but somehow he knew that Castiel wouldn't hurt him for sulking. So he put on the grumpiest expression he possibly could and traipsed off to the bedroom to pack a bag.  
Castiel's house was nicer than his, a long ten minutes drive from his own house which made Dean wonder why his daily running route was so damn long. It was easily over an hour on foot.  
They pulled into a garage and Castiel parked his hunk of junk car. He unlocked the door and carried Dean's three bags of valuables inside, next came his clothes and toiletries.   
Castiel had boarded up the space where his front door used to be using planks of wood he'd found in Dean's garage. He hadn't commented on the impala, if he saw the blood stains on the mattress in the corner he didn't mention it.  
"You can sleep in the guest room, the first one on the right." Castiel's gravelly voice pulled Dean out of his trance and he made his way up the stairs into the carpeted hallway to the guest room. There were lots of other doors. Dean wondered how Castiel managed to afford all this.  
"I don't deserve this Cas, you're kindness is wasted on me." He said, heading down the stairs, once he'd finished unpacking. Castiel looked up from his magazine and furrowed his brow. He was sitting on a stall next to the breakfast counter.   
"Cas?" He said, perplexed, squinting a little.   
"That's all you got out of that?" Dean chuckled.  
"What would you like for dinner, Dean?" He returned to his magazine.   
Castiel's living, dining and kitchen area was all open plan. A modern black kitchen with a wonderful sparkling dining table and a huge sweeping sofa, big enough to comfortably seat seven. That was opposite a huge fireplace, currently unlit.  
It was L-shaped. The kitchen at the front and to the right of the house. Huge frosted windows bringing in light but maintaining privacy. The larger space, to the left of the front porch was the living and dining area.   
It had heated grey stone flooring and a huge fluffy rug. Dean was tempted to just stand on it and feel the material on his toes as he wiggled them.  
The opposite window to the one made of frosted glass in the living area looked out onto a beautifully landscaped garden. Castiel had green fingers, good to know.  
"Dean?" He interrupted Dean's musings again. "Dinner?" He was beginning to retrieve ingredients from the cupboards.  
"This is really nice of you, but I can't."  
"Why not?" Castiel peered into the fridge.  
"How am I supposed to pay you back for this? Living ain't cheap, and I'm worthless."  
"Benny tell you that?"  
"I owe him." Dean looked at the floor in shame, avoiding the question Castiel was really asking. Benny had told him he was worthless... frequently. He was right, of course. Dean was worthless.  
"If it'll settle your conscience, my parents have been on my back for a while to consider having a sober companion." He lined the vegetables up in the side and retrieved a frying pan. "Stir fry?" He asked.  
"Uh, sure."  
"Do you drink Dean?"  
"Two years sober." Dean answered, sitting down on the other stall.  
"Ever done drugs?"  
"Weed, a couple times in high school." Where was Castiel going with this?  
"A class?"  
"What? God no." Dean seemed insulted.  
"You'd make a perfect sober companion. You're hired."  
"What?"  
"Your pay covers accommodation and I'll dock some of it towards food. The rest you can either have straight in your account or by check."  
"Did you just give me a job?"  
"Yes."  
"Are you my boss?"   
"Technically no, my parents are. So, what do you say?"  
"Uh. I don't know." Dean scratched the back of his neck nervously.   
"The pays good, as you can see the living quarters are nice. Want to be my sober companion?" Castiel stopped chopping and looked hopefully at Dean.  
"I don't know anything about this stuff." Dean said honestly.  
"We can find you an online course." Castiel threw the veg in the pan and began to slice the beef.  
"I guess the only answer you'll let me give is yes."  
"That's true. It'll also make you feel more comfortable in my home." Castiel grinned, knowing he was triumphant.   
"Okay." Dean sighed.  
"Yeah?" Castiel caught Dean's eye again.  
"Yeah." Dean breathed, "yes." He confirmed, heading over to the sunk and pouring himself a glass of water. "Why not?"  
The stir fry was shit.   
Cas had made this big show of making it, but he had cooked the beef until it was rubber and melted the vegetables. Despite that he still seemed to enjoy it.  
"No offence Cas, but this isn't cooking. This is freaking criminal." Dean held up a piece of beef with his fork.  
"Think you can do better?" Castiel said grouchily.  
"A child could do better."  
"You're adding insult to injury now."  
"I'm your companion or whatever, right? I'm allowed to be rude. You're stuck with me now." Dean grinned, "and the absolute first think we're going to do is make a rule."  
"What's that?"  
"Stay out of the kitchen."  
"You're going to cook."  
"Least I can do."  
"I'll add that to your job description, I'll email both you and my parents the details."  
"Awesome." Dean picked at his dinner. A few seconds passed.  
"It's not that bad is it?" Castiel said quietly.  
"I don't know what to say." Dean giggled, eating another mouthful. "Its food but..."  
"No wonder I never get invited to dinner parties." He buried his head in his hands laughing. Dean joined in and soon they were both unable to look at each other without bursting into unprompted laughter.  
"Movie?" Cas asked, clearing the plates.  
"I think I'll just head to bed."  
"Lot to think about." Castiel acknowledged.  
"Something like that." Dean smiled.   
"Cas." He said, realising how low his guard had been all evening.  
"Yeah?" All innocence and smiles.  
"I won't forgive you." Dean looked at the floor.  
Cas tilted his head in confusion.  
"If Benny gets arrested and you testify, I won't forgive you."  
"It's late, we'll talk about this another time."  
Dean nodded and continued up the stairs, his head hung low.  
Laying on his back on the soft sheets of the new bed, all he could think about was Benny and how angry he'd be. Dean pressed a finger into his barely healed stitches. How upset he'd be that Dean had betrayed him.  
That form was on his bedside table. He still hadn't signed it.  
'Spousal battery'   
He turned onto his other side, ignoring the pain and tried to sleep.


	6. Leaves

It had been a few days since Dean had arrived at Castiel's house and the two of them were getting on fine, some might even say they were perfect room mates.   
Dean pulled his jumper on and grabbed his boots, a 'nice' walk in the autumn weather with Castiel would really 'brighten' his day.   
"You coming or what? This walking bullshit is well...bullshit!" Dean grumbled.   
"Shut up, you love it!" Castiel called from upstairs. Dean leant against the door frame, pouting moodily.  
"Freaking health freak." He muttered.  
"I heard that, you assbutt!" Castiel tripped on his scarf in his rush to get to the door.  
"Ass-hat...Cas? What are you wearing?"  
"It's cold." Castiel pulled the hat more firmly onto his head and wrapped the rainbow coloured scarf tightly around his neck. Dean chuckled. "Shut up." He said grouchily as he pulled on his wellies over his matching multicoloured socks.

"This is lovely." Cas smiled as they wandered through the park.   
"God. This? this sucks." Dean complained as they kicked their way though a pile of leaves. Castiel gathered a bunch into his hand and threw them at Dean. "You have got to be kidding me." He grinned as he emerged from the cloud or orange, yellow and red. "Oh, bring it." Dean said, his smile turning malicious as he gathered a huge mountain of leaves and chased Castiel into the trees. 

"I have awoken the monster." Cas cried from behind a tree, Dean followed his voice and launched another handful at him. Cas darted out and Dean followed him, only stopping to gather another handful. Little did he know, Cas had changed routes and was approaching him from behind. Suddenly, a waterfall of leaves cascaded onto Dean's unprotected head. A few sticking to his face and behind his ears.  
"Son of a bitch!"  
"Revenge is mine!" Castiel squealed, running off into the woods.  
"How do you deserve revenge! You started it!" Dean groaned. He kneeled to gather a huge pile of leaves, peeling the various stragglers off of his face so he could locate his target.

He was smiling as he approached Castiel, who was peering out from the hedge Dean had cleverly gone behind.   
"Hey." He breathed. Castiel turned and the look of shock was comical and Dean dropped the giant mountain of leaves straight onto his face. He was crouching and so for a few seconds he was totally submerged in leaves. He rolled out of the pile and was horrified to discover Dean preparing yet another attack. He laughed manically as he got ready to drop it on Castiel.   
"Wait! Truce!" Castiel cried, darting behind a tree breathless. Dean chuckled.   
"Okay, okay!" Dean raised his hand in surrender. "You can come out now."   
Castiel emerged cautiously from the tree, like a frightened animal.   
"Promise."   
"I promise! Look my hands are empty."   
Castiel nodded and headed towards Dean and they continued on their walk. 

"So, why exactly do you need a 'sober companion'?" Dean asked, breaking the comfortable silence.   
"It was college. I got involved with some people, from parties and things. This boyfriend I had at the time..."   
"Boyfriend?"   
"Yeah. He was into something a little more...dangerous. Long story short; my addiction ruined my life and bankrupted me. My father stepped in and had me shipped off to rehab to avoid damaging the family name, and then I got send here; out of the lime light."   
"Wow."   
"Yeah." 

"You know, when I was a kid; we used to move around a lot. Motel to motel. My mum died when we were young." Dean paused to take a shaky breath. Castiel squeezed his hand reassuringly.   
"My dad, he kind of took to the bottle. I didn't want to be like him, so when I saw myself doing the same thing. I mean, it's no where near as awful as...I'm not trying to say...Oh gees."   
"It's okay. I get it. Thanks for telling me."   
"Yeah." Dean breathed. Castiel hadn't let go of his hand. They walked like that, hand in hand. All the way back to the house.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> SELF HARM.

Even the phone vibrating violently across the bathroom side table could not drag him from his thoughts. Benny's favourite shower gel. He had bought Benny's favourite shower gel, it was sitting there on the shelf. Benny's favourite shower gel...and his favourite foods, and his favourite beer, and his favourite colour! Nothing was Dean's! Who was he? Who was he? Dean curled tighter into himself and tried to ignore Castiel's desperate plea to come in.  
Charlie stopped trying to call him. Castiel went downstairs.

Dean was nothing, he only existed for Benny's enjoyment and now he had lost the one thing that made him worthy, the one thing that made him a real human being. Now, he was just a shell. Now, he was nothing. He rocked back and forth on the tiled floor to help subside the need to vomit. Blood staining the white tiles.

"Dean?" Castiel was turning his spare key in the lock and shunting the door against Dean's makeshift barricade. Dean glared down at the cuts on his wrist and felt a wave of nausea overtake him.  
"Dean!" Castiel seemed startled when he saw the state he was in, rushing over to his injured companion and crashing to his knees before him.  
"What have you done?" He asked, quietly now. As if afraid to startle the wild animal that had taken refuge in his bathroom.  
Castiel carefully pried the crying man's fingers from the razor and took a better look at the cuts. Cas wasn't squeamish, this wasn't the first time he's seen blood.  
"I-"  
"Shh." Castiel soothed, sitting him on the side of the bathtub and running a damp cloth over the cuts; luckily they weren't too deep. He headed to the other side of the room and opened the cabinet to retrieve the medical supplies. The wounds were easy to dress, Castiel doubted they would even scar. He soon realised that this wasn't a suicide attempt. "You're okay." He sighed, when his task was finally complete. Pulling the fearful Dean into his arms protectively. Castiel felt the first tear dribble down his cheek before he realised he was crying.  
"I'm sorry." Dean choked out, relaxing into Castiel's embrace.  
The shower was still running but neither of them wanted to move to shut it off, the dull thrum of drops of, now cold, water hitting the glass wall lulled them into security.  
"It's okay. You're okay." Castiel whispered, the moment remained uncorrupted, silent for all but the water.  
"Cas, I-" Dean couldn't finish his sentence but Castiel seemed to understand. A warm hand found it's way to Dean's wet back.  
"You want something to eat? Something to drink?" Castiel suggested quietly. Dean nodded, not trusting himself to reply.

Castiel handed him the hot drink alongside the unwanted advice, as if that would somehow lessen the blow. "I would like for you to see a therapist."  
Dean spluttered. "What."  
"I think. After today. A therapist could help you get through this. It's evidently a difficult time for you and I-"  
"Cas. I'm not crazy." Dean didn't want to even look at the evidence to the contrary.  
"I'm not saying you are." Castiel ran his hand through his messy hair, still sweaty from his run. Dean pulled his bathrobe closer around himself. "I just think you need someone to talk to. Someone who isn't me. What about your friend, Charlie?" Castiel suggested.  
"No." Dean replied, sipping the beverage.  
Castiel raised an eyebrow questioningly but didn't voice his concerns.  
"I can talk to you. If I needed to talk." He quickly amended. "I don't need to tell Charlie."  
Castiel's eyes widened. "She didn't know?" the 'about Benny' didn't need to be voiced. It was always about Benny.  
"She set us up." Dean replied. He wasn't mad at his friend. He knew that Benny was the best thing that had ever happened to him.  
"Oh." Castiel misinterpreted, sipping on his own tea. Dean didn't have the energy to correct him.  
A few seconds passed while Dean summoned the courage to explain why he'd done it in the first place.  
"Cas,"  
"Yes."  
"It. I. He is. He was my world," Dean said, "And when, he was taken away from me. I don't know. I want to please you Cas. I want to please everyone. But I can't! I can't. And Benny...Benny knew that. He knew that I wasn't, that I'm not worthy of other people's affection, their time. He understood how worthless I am. And today, when I dropped that plate today. It made me think about how I wanted to be punished for fucking things up. For you, for everyone. And he's not here Cas! He can't do it!" Dean fought back his sobs, lowering his gaze to the contents of his cup and then adding quietly. "So I had to."

He stated it so simply, Castiel supposed that this twisted logic must make sense to him.  
"I don't care if you drop plates in my kitchen. I don't give a fuck if you trash my fucking kitchen. I'd rather burn my fucking house down then see you hurt. By anyone. Including yourself."  
Dean nodded numbly.  
"Dean...I-"  
Dean's phone began to ring in the pocket of his bathrobe.  
"I should...I should get this." He said, diving for it with a shaking hand.  
"Hey!" He said jovially. Charlie replied with similar enthusiasm. "I'm great. Yeah, I uh, got a new ob. Working as a sober companion....yeah, me....never would have guessed,right....I...No...Benny, Benny's great." He didn't have to look up to see Castiel's disapproving look. Not like he could go outside and take this phone call, he wasn't dressed and his arms were wrapped in bandages and gauze. "Yeah, out of town for a while..."Dean laughed and then finished his conversation, hanging up the phone with a "Bye Charlie." And then turning back to face Cas.  
"I think it would be wise to tell her. She could help."  
"No."  
"Bu-"  
"I said no Cas!" Dean growled, throwing himself back down on the kitchen stool from which he had risen and staring into his drink.  
"I'm sorry." Cas said quietly. "I didn't mean to push you. I know that doesn't help."  
"It's okay Cas, I get what your trying to do." Dean sighed, rubbing his hand over his face and pouring away his now cold drink.  
"Shall we make some breakfast? I don't suppose you've had any...while I was out on my run."  
"Aren't you going to take a shower?" Dean furrowed his brow at the sweaty, short-clad Castiel as he gathered ingredients for a fried breakfast.  
"No." Cas answered.  
Dean didn't need to hear the rest of it to know what Castiel meant. No, I'm not, because I can't trust you enough to leave you alone.


	8. Note

Heya readers, I'm Iron_Mage an irl friend of & occasionally beta for Ill_write_it. 

Due to some irl stuff unfortunately Ill_write_it has been completely cutoff from the internet for the foreseeable future & thus I suggested that I act as a go between for him and type up, beta & post any of his writings from now on. To say updates will sporadic would be an understatement as I have limited contact with him & am both dyslexic (among over learning disabilities/ND stuff) & can barely read Ill_write's handwriting + my final exams are very soon meaning I'll have little time to spare & devote to this (read: I'll probably procrastinate revising and work on this instead lol). 

I plan on printing any comments & feedback/reviews for him to see + some fics & writing prompts for him to read & be inspired/motivated by. Thus i'd love if you guys would show as much support as possible for Ill_write while he goes through this particularly shitty period of his life by leaving said comments (even if it's just a smiley, <3?or links to quality memes) & maybe even some Supernatural &/or Blue Exorcist fic recs (he loves Nekos). I'm sure such content will help get the creative juices flowing ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

I'll hopefully next have contact with him around mid to late April so the quicker the comments the more likely they'll be seen & responded to.

(P.S. I meant to have posted this ages ago but saved it in drafts to look over the next day for mistakes & totally forgot I hadn't actually posted it properly...  
ill_write_it will kill me when he finds out XD rip my ADHD ass)


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